Life is a series of events in which we are constantly waiting for something; anything.
Waiting- for school to start; for work to end; to move.
Anticipating- turning 21; getting married; having children.
On hold with an insurance company/debt collector/ anyone in the world.
Sitting in traffic. Expecting a phonecall. The delay of a flight. The end of the day, week, month, year.
WAITING.
Does a vagabond wait? If so, what is he/she waiting for?
The Wait for the Weekend is by far the funniest; it could be 11 o'clock Sunday night and someone, SOMEWHERE could be heard saying, "Man, I can not wait until NEXT weekend!" Besides the fact that there is no school, or work, what is so great about the weekend? It is only one day if you really think about it-Saturday week-end; Sunday week-begin. Even on a calender the week starts with Sunday; despite the fact that most people don't work (retail jobs can suck it!), it is still often times treated like a weekday. What happened to R&R Sundays; the "on the 7th say he rested" type shit? Fucking Sunday. Sunday funday. Week-begin.
Now that we are on the subject of things beginning:
The Wait for Life to Begin!
In my final semester of college, I was asked when I was graduating, to which I replied, "December" with a decent amount of enthusiasm. Her follow up question, "You must be excited for life to start." Since I am a person who can not hide emotion on my face, I am sure my enthusiastic grin dropped in disgusted disbelief; LIFE TO START? What have I been doing the last 23 years?? I thought life started at birth, I mean technically speaking still at some point in the womb, only to find out it ACTUALLY begins some 20 years in.... that makes NO sense! In all fairness, there were certain ages I anticipated- 6 because I was a big kid and started school (for those who went at age 5, shut your face; my birthday missed the cutoff); 13- teenager woohoo!; 16- I can DRIVE!; 18- FREEDOM, I am INVINCIBLE! I can do anything – except drink legally which brings us to.... 21- now I can really do everything; that is of course, with the exception of illegal drugs <I mean, I could if I wanted to, or if I didn't mind getting arrested>.
The idea that life starts after college always baffled me; if anything, life starts in college. A freshman in college is exposed to all forms of new freedoms and things to experience, it is the pinacle of their existence; it creates the person who enters the work field after college. But what happens after college: you go on to do more schooling, or you get a job; parents are generally no longer welcoming you to live in their residency. Essentially, a person finishing school is becoming slightly more independent, so that means life has started? That seems to me more life ENDING. This also applies to getting married; people say it is the start of one's life as well. In one movie, it goes so far to say that a woman is dead until the day she gets married. Some women will be dead forever.
WHICH brings us to...... drum roll please....
The Wait for Death
Death is life's most anticipated waiting game. We are born to die, and we are all aware of it, yet death is feared by most people. In my opinion, it is also highly intriguing. Call me an existentialist, or a nihilist, or whatever you want, but everything we do in life, is to make the wait for death a little bit more bearable. Jim Morrison once said he wanted to experience death; he didn't want to die of a drug overdose, in his sleep, or of heart failure. Ironically, he died of heart failure caused by a drug overdose after he fell asleep in a bathtub.
One can think of 100 ways to die just walking down the street; driving in the car.
Pardon the interruption of the waiting game, but here are some other shitty, death- related situations
to be in:
I do this all the time, so don't worry, I am a pro at death related thoughts; it's sort of an OCD thing. Imagine going 80 miles per hour, say on the highway, and getting hit. Going 80 mph, no way a seatbelt would actually serve its purpose. Imagine being ejected from the car, first colliding wil the windshield, only slide to a stop on the pavement; going that fast, road rash is a bitch. You're best bet after that, if you are still conscious, it so pray to whatever God you believe in that you don't become a speed bump to oncoming commuters.
Falling would be a pretty awesome death. At least you can feel the wind if your face, and a moment of euphoric peace that fills you before you become a hot mess on the pavement. Besides, I hear that the force of impact kills you within a second- no pain.
Drowning would be the absolute worst way to die. Another image scenario for you: you are driving over a bridge (pick a tall one relative to your area. I am going to use the Hillsboro Blvd bridge in Deerfield Beach because it is pretty tall and that is where I first had the terrible idea of how much it would suck to drown), in the rain, with tires so bald condoms would be jealous of their smoothness. Imagine suddenly spinning out of control and crashing through the guardrail to plummet into the water below. The pressure of the water makes it impossible to open the car door; you are trapped as the water creeps and slithers over your body, and soon there is only an inch left of air to breathe. You taste the salt as the water sluggishly enters your chest cavity; you sink until finally, you pass out.
Rewind, you are back on the bridge, the horrific scene flashed before your eyes through the blades of the windshield wipers which, along with the tires, are in need of replacement; you unroll the windows, just in case. If you have ever seen Titanic, you should know, you are still screwed! Fast foward again. Windows open, you go crashing through the guardrail, flying through the air (aw peaceful) and decide to jump out of the falling car, you will more than likely (unless you are a crazy jumper) end up hitting the water just after the car. If this is the case, the force of the heavier object (the car) moving downward will drag you with it, whether you like it or not. They say that the captain stays fast with the ship, through still and storm. But this ain't the Dakota.... it's your car.*
We interupt this interruption with
POINTLESS ILLUSIONS OF SAFETY!
- seatbelts
- airbags
- hurricane proof glass*
-religion (we will get back to this)
-pepper spray
- locks on doors
Other shitty ways to die:
- a poisonous bite of some sort
- an overdose of herione
- feel the venom/herione slither through your veins; burning, attacking. At least with the herione you get high
- begin stabbed in the lung
- feel the knife as you attempt to breath; obstructing. whatever you do, don't pull it out!
- shot just to the side of a major artery
This could go on for quite some time. Better to quit while I am ahead.
Upon discussing death with a friend of mine he said, "No wonder I have never seen you swim in the ocean or anything."
- I don't have a fear of drowning just saying it would suck to drown; the worst fucking death, hands down.
"Not to sound like an ass but," long pause. "Are you suicidal?"
- I've made it this far haven't I? Besides, I was born, died, and revitalized; given life again. So been there, done that. Besides, I haven't graduated yet, or gotten married, so technically, life didn't ever start, so I am already still dead?*
Thank you for that brief interruption; back to the waiting.
It is not just the elderly who wait for death, although frankly speaking, they are first in line for the honor; it is all of us. It is one major commonality among any race, gender, or creed.
Speaking of CREED: They are waiting too!
- Christians are waiting for the second coming of Christ.
-Those of the Jewish tradition are still waiting for the first.
Common (and most ignorant) misconception: Jews don't believe Jesus existed. Of course he existed. No one DOUBTS the existence of a man named Jesus. Hell, I think they have scientific evidence that he did exist; DNA or something. The difference is, Jesus was not the messiah.
I am just asking to be burned at the stake, aren't I?
In my opinion, Jesus was just really good at party tricks:
"Hey Jesus, show us how you make wine again, Man"
" No, come on, I am here to hang out and have a good time"
"Come on Jesus!"
"Fine, give just me some water"
Or maybe He just had a superiority complex.*
Waiting is part of every religion.
The wait for a savior.
The wait for salvation.
Etcetera.
The rapture is coming!!!
Back to 2012. While the hype has already started, and almost all the natural disasters over the last 2 years have been blamed on the impending doomsday at the end of 2012, I know I will laugh at the people waiting on the edge of their seats for chaos and chaos doesn't join the party as we ring in 2013 like every other year. Then the 2012 conspirators will have nothing to conspire about, which may lead to a mass suicide; Darwinism at its finest. Similar to the Blue Envy Suicides – people actually killed themselves after the release of Avatar because they became violently depressed about the blue utopian paradise which they longed to live in; move to the rainforest people!
In the end, we are still waiting; for class to end; to have sex; to make some "real" money.*
Please hold. We appreciate your patience. Thank you for waiting.
* A couple things need clarification:
-the first, is a line from "Play Crack the Sky" by Brand New. Credit where it is due!
-the second, hurricane- proof glass has always made me wonder why they don't have earthquake- proof floor, or tornado-proof houses.
- Technically, I was a SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome) baby. I was born and almost immediately and for no reason stopped breathing. Luckily, I was born in the right hospital. I like to joke about it.
- A Jesus joke is still a JOKE! I do not intend to apologize, I find it sickly hilarious!
- The real money thing, I have been employed since I was 16, and yet apparently I haven't made real money until now; Solely because I graduated college. Doesn't matter that I have had the same job for three years; it was not real until I got the diploma. Lame.
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